Dear ex lover,

 i promised myself that i wouldn't end up in the same position again

That i wouldn't be the same person that i was 10 months ago


being with you brought back those feelings of inadequacy

picking at a scab that i thought had healed.


i am writing this letter to let you know that

i’ve been waking up at 2am with crippling anxiety

the type that makes you cry uncontrollably

wondering why i am undeserving of your love


Lying in bed for hours trying to remember a time when

i felt like enough of a human not just a body.


i know

i am enough

But i haven’t

felt that in awhile.


i have always been willing to give you 110 percent, i know i will

 only get 20 in return. After 10 month of working on me i still don’t


know how to be alone with my thoughts.

Never learned how to stop being vulnerable

my heart has been broken and bleeding and i

don’t know to stop it from making a mess of everything.


i thought

that i found

God in the

darkness, but somehow


i got swallowed whole by it again. When i hear that

one song that makes the levee crack


i cry until i go numb, eyes swollen shut 

growing tired of this depressive state.


i know i never cross your mind

I am writing you this…just so i can feel again.

Deborah Olaniyan