My “hero.” You laid the foundation for this wall. I was your shadow, always wanting to be where you were, doing what you were doing, taking in all of you. There was no place I’d rather be than by your side staring up at you in awe. I was your pride and joy, always able to bring a smile to your face, until one day I wasn’t. You disappeared with “goodbye” on your mind, but “see you later” on mine. I was disappointed, I was confused, I was a child, and as a result, I thought childish thoughts. “Was it my fault? What did I do? I’ll be better, I promise.” It wasn’t my fault, but I felt that I had to have the solution, and when I couldn’t bring you back I made the decision to never let your kind back in. I had no time for hurt or disappointment, so I decided I was all that I could depend on, I left no room for unkept promises, unfulfilled expectations, or disappearing acts. My first love, I am cut from your cloth which is why it hurt the most.
My “rescuer.” You gave this wall its mountainous height. You came in at our lowest point, ready to save the day, creating a false sense of hope and security. The militant leader, strong, unwavering, but soft for a few things. We shared a love for music, which makes the distaste even stronger because the very thing that gives me life sometimes reminds me of you, the one who temporarily ruined ours. You pushed my success, accepting nothing less because you knew I was meant for greatness, but you took yourself out of the position to reap the fruit of my labor. You played a part in making me who I am today, though I hate to give you credit for anything good in this world because you lack even the most basic level of decency, and I have come to the conclusion that you must also lack a brain. Once you acted, my defense became strengthened, and my thoughts were confirmed. Trust was something I refused to be capable of, the vulnerability would get me nowhere, and dependence on another was unthinkable.
My “forever.” You added the barbed wire to this wall. I don’t think you even now the extent to which I loved you, and I can’t begin to explain. We were a lock and key, always together making memories to be looked back on at our 50th anniversary. When I thought of my future, you were always there, and everyone was just as sure that this was a permanent arrangement. Sure, we had our differences; opposites attract, but that could only last for so long. You messed up early on, and I said I forgave you, but resentment became a third party in our relationship. I was unable to fully forgive you because I was not ready to be hurt again. A wall and a relationship can’t coexist, and they didn’t. My friends and family knew before I even entertained the thought, but we weren’t right for each other. I was unable to give you my entirety or the love that you deserved, and you weren’t truly meant to be my forever.
My “blessing.” You’ve found the cracks in this wall. You are exactly what I need, exactly when I need it. I admire your ability to express how you feel, and the fact that vulnerability is not a foreign concept to you. You are genuine in your intentions, and your love for me is crystal clear, but this wall is stronger than a few sweet nothings and a pair of warm hands. This fact doesn’t stop you; instead, you are determined on climbing it, breaking it, whatever necessary to get to me. I find myself slowly but surely letting this happen, but this is not an overnight event, so I hope you plan on staying a while. I don’t think you’ll have a problem doing that. As I let you love me, I hope to love you the way you deserve to be loved. Everyone deserves to feel the happiness that I feel, especially you, and that is all I could ever hope for. All I ask for is patience, consistency, and understanding, as we free my heart.