As a young girl without a father
I lost myself to the harsh world
I felt meaningless, pointless, a mistake, a burden.
How come a substance
White, solid, cheap, addictive
Get chosen over blood.
Over an embodiment of 50% of your genes
I questioned my worth more than I questioned my father’s location.
In and out
Killing me softly by perforation
My tears soaking my pillows
Dampening my PJs
Holding onto an old photo of you
Wondering when you’ll return
Wondering when you’ll realize
That I was worth it.
I remember the time when
You took me
To the movies
The amazing feeling of being loved again
By my father...not yet my dad.
I remember the excitement I felt
Only to physically witness your deal with the devil.
He locked eyes with me while
He fed you that substance
Smiling at your demise and smiling at mine.
Again he took you away from me
Right in front of me
My self esteem
Into my judgement in men
My willingness to lose myself to them
My willingness to lose myself to me
And its capacity
I think to myself
Why oh why
Am I satisfying
The stereotype of a woman without a father
Crazy, lost, unsure, indecisive,
Why bother ?
I, however, have met someone
Who appreciates me for me
Not my body
But the beauty
Of my soul
Of my imperfections
Of my fear and my shyness
Of my impurities
The impurities that you have contributed to
I cannot be mad at you
What you've put me through
Made me into a powerful force
Blowing away the obstacles I face
As a woman
As a black woman
As a black woman without a father
So Thank you Father
This world was made to destroy me Father
I didn't think you would be a part of it Father
But now I am strong because of it Father