Announcement: Casting Call for New Hollywood Show

Hello ladies and gentlemen! Have you been waiting for your big break in TV? Well, your chance has come. (Insert network name here) is looking for an amazing cast of incredible young people to be in our latest high school series. Below, you’ll find a list of characters and the attributes we’re looking for in our actors. If you find something you like, come in for an audition and a screen test.

Amber - main character

  • Blonde white female (long hair please)

  • Between the ages of 18 and 24 (you can be older but you better not look a day over 16)

  • About 5’6” (too tall and we won’t be able to find a guy who’s taller than you to play your love interest)

  • The longer your legs, the better!

  • Must be a size 2 (and not those generous H&M sizes okay?)

  • Personality: slightly shy, yet endearing

Chad - main character

  • Blond or brunette white male (it’s just more palatable that way. What can we do about society? lol)

  • Must have a 6 pack otherwise girls won’t follow you on Instagram

  • Voice must be deep. It should say either, “I am your quintessential cisgendered heterosexual dude,” or “I am man, hear me roar.”

  • Hair must be quaffable

  • Between the ages of 18 and 25 but remember that you’re still a teenager so no facial hair!

  • Personality: Confident yet reserved. Vapid yet intelligent.

Dion - supporting character

  • Black girl (Not too black. We don’t want parents complaining) So let’s just say mixed to be on the safeside.

  • Between the ages of 18 and 42 (you know what they say: Black don’t crack!)

  • Hair must be relaxed or what they call 3C. We want it to be manageable.

  • If above a size 2, you’ll play the role of the diva.

  • If a size 2, you’ll play the role of the diva

  • Must be able to sing

  • (Could you teach the producers how to twerk? Sally’s been dying to learn!)

  • Personality: loud, sassy, candid

  • Minimal screen time and minimal lines

  • No potential love interest but perhaps a potential friends-with-benefits situation with another black character on the show (still deciding how many of you to have on set)

  • If this doesn’t sound great to you, we heard that BET is casting a great show for people of color to really feel connected to each other.

Devante - supporting character

  • Black man between the ages of 18 and 26

  • Must play basketball or football (or at least look like you do)

  • 6’2” (or taller)

  • Must speak with that cool street accent that you people have (Can I say street?)

  • Must listen to Drake, Meek Mill and other rap artists (and be prepared to teach your white co-stars all about your culture)

  • Must be able to dance

  • Personality: funny guy who keeps everyone laughing, ready to defend people with his fists, overly confident in appearance and abilities, must have a natural swag

  • Do you think you can come up with a special handshake?

  • Expect to be cut out of the show altogether depending on how many POC we can have on set. We want tough-background, made-of-grit excellence from you. You’ll be popping in and out every-so-often so don’t get too comfortable.

Leah - supporting character

  • Asian girl (We haven’t really decided what type of Asian you’re gonna be but does it even matter?) We might even change the name and make you an Asian guy. So honestly, all of you just audition for this one role and we’ll smooth out the kinks.

  • 5’1”

  • Must be prepared to wear very modest clothing and to look like you spend most of your time in the books

  • Personality: studious, know-it-all, reserved

  • Expect to have parents on the show who never let you go anywhere. You’ll have more screen time than Devante but less than Dion. We’re going for at least one scene by the lockers in each episode - you’ll probably get startled when someone tries to talk to you, make an intelligent comment on something relevant to history or science and then walk into a classroom of some sort. Perhaps we’ll have a season in which you tutor someone, or sneak out of the house to go to your first party! The possibilities of how to stereotype you are endless!

If we’re going to have a Latinx character, we’re going to severely whitewash you so that we can keep the audience happy. Either that, or really dive into making you a one-dimensional character who’s only value to the show will be sharing your experience as an immigrant in the United States. Making you multidimensional is too much work for the writers who’ve never had a meaningful interaction with a person of color in their lives. We are subscribed to Buzzfeed though! And I just finished the first episode of Jane the Virgin.

As for other characters, we’ll cast them as we decide how many black and brown people to have in the show (most likely, we’ll just fill other speaking roles with white kids and have the POC as extras to fill the scenes). This isn’t exactly Degrassi so don’t expect that much diversity, but we’ll give you just enough screen time for you to not have to create a Twitter hashtag about it. We know how you love to protest things.

Looking forward to seeing you at casting!

This was satire. It was not meant to offend anyone. But if you’re some random producer who came across this and suddenly felt defensive: DO BETTER. Thanks :)

Thokozile Zimba