Oh Shit I Feel

I feel most alone when I’m surrounded by the people I love.

Not because they don’t love me back.

But because they don’t have a single fucking clue what it is they’re putting their love into.

And most days, neither do I.


I feel most empty when every inch of him is in me.

And that’s not to say the sex isn’t good.

It’s to say that I’m ashamed of lying down and handing over pieces of me to a person who

Doesn’t even know what’s being given to him, let alone what to do with it.

These days I’ve been feeling a lot of things

But none of them are like myself.


I feel the most stupid when I’m alone.

I spend hours trying to grapple with why I’m so unhappy

When there are people out here with real problems.

I get sad.

Then I get mad because I’m sad.

Then I get mad because I don’t know why I’m sad.

And all this sad and mad brew together and make a monster out of me.

And no matter how hard I try, I can’t turn it off.


I feel most loved when I’m in the most pain.

Because pain makes me think I’m on the way to reaching death.

It’s been 15 years since my father passed away,

And for 15 years I’ve been living just to get back to him.

That’s why I take every ache and pain in stride,

Because I know that each one brings me closer to being

Back with him and that will make me whole again.


I feel the most happy when I think about her.

And all she could’ve been.

How she could’ve been him.

How he could’ve been my purpose.

How she could’ve made me love myself

Just so I could set an example for her.

How I would’ve loved him so.

Loved her so...

Then I realize that it’s not real happiness if it’s bound by the imagination.

It’s just a manifestation of how lonely I am.

And how I feel most alone when I’m surrounded by the people I love..

Carla Beachem